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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

My Final Blog Post in Thailand

Hello dear readers, I hope you are all doing well. I know it's been forever since I've last posted.
The feedback that I've been receiving has been positive and encouraging. It sounds like you guys want me to continue writing, so I will do just that. Even after I leave Thailand. Before working on my latest post, I scrolled through and read my old ones. I have three different blogs that I've created for different reasons. My first one was created for a botany assignment I had sophomore year, and boy was it fun to look back on all of my micro-aquarium posts and pictures. I'm such a nerd! I can't help it but I'm also proud. :)

My experience in Thailand has been, well.... an experience. Externally, a lot has happened during my ten-month duration, but there has also been a heck of a lot of growth. I praise the Lord.
He has put me through the fire, refining me all the while, and He has also gotten me through some very hard moments. Dear readers, I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I wanted to pack up and go home. There was one point where I asked to be transferred to a different mission field, but in the end I stayed in Bangkok and stuck it out. I'm glad I did.

Recently, I had been so angry at God. I was just thinking about all of the circumstances I've endured, and I kept asking the question, "why?" and how so many things seemed so unfair. I didn't understand a lot of things. I still don't. I felt like it seemed so unfair for God to put me through such a difficult ordeal here in Thailand and letting that experience be my only experience. Yet, He has revealed His love and protection for and towards me; and He didn't have to either. I don't know. I just get so frustrated sometimes, but God is so kind and loving and patient.

I have never gone into the full details of all that's happened to me in this blog, but I will.
Currently, I am in the beginnings of a new writing project and that is guaranteed to have specific details of my encounters and the problems that this mission field holds. The reason why I stopped blogging for so many months, among other reasons, was the fact that so many negative things were becoming a part of my daily life and to continually write about it would have put me in a state of despair. Not only that, but people have this image of what missionary work is supposed to look like. When people have expectations of your current situation, and it ends up being something different,
it becomes a huge letdown. And, at least for me, I didn't have the heart to tell people how it really was, the reality of it all. Plus, I didn't want to feel like I was complaining all the time. So I kept most everything to myself. Even my mom didn't know everything. There are a select number of people in my environment who know exactly what I have been through. I think in a way God placed them as guardian angels in my life. I will miss them. I could not have survived without them.

Oh, I'm getting really excited about my essay now. The main thing I'm scared of is that in the process of recollecting my experiences and remembering every detail I will begin to feel all the hurt and anger again, and I've really been praying a lot and talking to God about this. I promised myself a long time ago that I would not leave this place jaded, even though I am justified and many others before me have left feeling this way. But I just can't. I won't. So I'm asking God to heal my heart, my brokenness, and to forgive. And I guess I am also asking you, readers, to pray for me as well. Let us all pray for each other, always.

Much love,