Thoughts. At random.

I really should be reading through articles for a research paper that's due in a few weeks. Actually, I should be getting ready for bed soon because I must wake up early to drive half an hour away to do observations. But instead I'm blogging away. And the dynamics of student life don't always allow for balance-a healthy eight hours of sleep, healthy eating, etc.

I'm not sure what I want to say. I feel like I've matured in the past several months (by the grace of God). I am unsure of where I'll be or what I'll be doing next year, and I'm becoming more and more okay with that. I miss writing, and I want to go back to it. I long for beauty to remain in the world. I don't agree with Korean culture. But I like their food and music. :) I want my dog to have a sibling. I wish for God to continue leading me down His path, not mine. I wish for the monster of selfishness to lessen in my heart, whatever way it has to go. I wish peace and love and happiness for you. I wish for you to have an intimate relationship with God. To let Him heal all the brokenness inside you and for you to be showered deeply in His love. That is all. 

So I'm blogging again?

Here I am, again. In the virtual community. For the past few months, I had been feeling very anti-bloggish, but for the time being I have decided to try it again. I remember attending a creative writing event during undergrad and the speaker was really old school and totally anti-blogger. She posed the question, "how many of you blog?" At the time, I was a blogger but I didn't raise my hand. No one else did either, out of embarrassment or shame I don't know.

I personally prefer the feel of the pen in my hand, ink transferring to paper. I don't know why, but I have always known that physically writing things instead of typing them have always aided my memory and processing skills.

The circumstances of my life have shifted a bit since my arrival back to the States in June. I subbed for a whole semester and am now back in school to get my teaching license and master's in education. At first, all I wanted to do was work, earn money, pay debts off. I was very resistant to the idea of returning to school. But sometimes God has a funny way of working things out. I had spent weeks trying to find a steady teaching assistant job in the county, anywhere, and systematically I was turned down for each position. The irony is that now I'm in school again a t.a. position has opened up at the place where I wanted to work. Oh well, such is life. Isn't it?

I've been reflecting and assessing. I've realized some things along the way. One major thing I've come to learn is that six months ago I wasn't ready to talk about Thailand, whether I knew it or not. Currently, I believe I am much more open to talking about my missionary experience. I share a lot of Thailand stories, and in my head I have to refrain myself from talking about it so much! I don't know why I couldn't talk about stuff then. I've always had a delayed reaction; maybe that was part of the problem.

I've also realized that even though I made many efforts to leave with a healthy perspective, I am still jaded in some areas, mostly with racial discrimination (which is getting better) and issues with church as a whole. I took a lot of things personally in Thailand, and I am praying a lot to not take things so personally anymore. In terms of church, I think I never really forgave the people who were responsible for a lot of "wrongs" (my word choice)--church leaders, administrators. Maybe I didn't want to forgive them. But it's eating away at my current church life. Most times, I sit through church service gritting my teeth. I think, unconsciously, when I see the elders stand up during the beginning of the service I see the faces of complacency, of corruption, and it makes me tighten up inside. I wonder if I need therapy…nah. I just need to let a lot of things go. So, into a hazy unknown I cast my net, hoping for a clearer, brighter tomorrow.