My Final Blog Post in Thailand

Hello dear readers, I hope you are all doing well. I know it's been forever since I've last posted.
The feedback that I've been receiving has been positive and encouraging. It sounds like you guys want me to continue writing, so I will do just that. Even after I leave Thailand. Before working on my latest post, I scrolled through and read my old ones. I have three different blogs that I've created for different reasons. My first one was created for a botany assignment I had sophomore year, and boy was it fun to look back on all of my micro-aquarium posts and pictures. I'm such a nerd! I can't help it but I'm also proud. :)

My experience in Thailand has been, well.... an experience. Externally, a lot has happened during my ten-month duration, but there has also been a heck of a lot of growth. I praise the Lord.
He has put me through the fire, refining me all the while, and He has also gotten me through some very hard moments. Dear readers, I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I wanted to pack up and go home. There was one point where I asked to be transferred to a different mission field, but in the end I stayed in Bangkok and stuck it out. I'm glad I did.

Recently, I had been so angry at God. I was just thinking about all of the circumstances I've endured, and I kept asking the question, "why?" and how so many things seemed so unfair. I didn't understand a lot of things. I still don't. I felt like it seemed so unfair for God to put me through such a difficult ordeal here in Thailand and letting that experience be my only experience. Yet, He has revealed His love and protection for and towards me; and He didn't have to either. I don't know. I just get so frustrated sometimes, but God is so kind and loving and patient.

I have never gone into the full details of all that's happened to me in this blog, but I will.
Currently, I am in the beginnings of a new writing project and that is guaranteed to have specific details of my encounters and the problems that this mission field holds. The reason why I stopped blogging for so many months, among other reasons, was the fact that so many negative things were becoming a part of my daily life and to continually write about it would have put me in a state of despair. Not only that, but people have this image of what missionary work is supposed to look like. When people have expectations of your current situation, and it ends up being something different,
it becomes a huge letdown. And, at least for me, I didn't have the heart to tell people how it really was, the reality of it all. Plus, I didn't want to feel like I was complaining all the time. So I kept most everything to myself. Even my mom didn't know everything. There are a select number of people in my environment who know exactly what I have been through. I think in a way God placed them as guardian angels in my life. I will miss them. I could not have survived without them.

Oh, I'm getting really excited about my essay now. The main thing I'm scared of is that in the process of recollecting my experiences and remembering every detail I will begin to feel all the hurt and anger again, and I've really been praying a lot and talking to God about this. I promised myself a long time ago that I would not leave this place jaded, even though I am justified and many others before me have left feeling this way. But I just can't. I won't. So I'm asking God to heal my heart, my brokenness, and to forgive. And I guess I am also asking you, readers, to pray for me as well. Let us all pray for each other, always.

Much love,

Shek

When Things Go from Bad To Worse

Hello all! Happy New Year! This is my first post that I've blogged in a long time; I figured it's a new start, so why not try it again? I'll probably be posting bi-monthly or monthly rather than weekly for the remainder of my stay.

How was your Christmas and New Year? I had a great time spending the holidays with my family. I stayed in the Philippines for sixteen days, and it was lovely. I miss being in the Philippines. A lot. And I want to go back. Now. Returning to Thailand was exhausting because of my flight schedule and the proceeding events didn't help to make my welcome feel any better. Quite honestly, you really shouldn't trust yourself when you've constantly been sleep deprived and your body and mind are re-adjusting to another environment. I spent a good deal of time this afternoon in reflection, prayer, and scripture reading. I needed it. Ever since I've been back I feel like I've been performing, going through the motions. And that sucks. On the one hand, I can perform, or keep an appearance, because certain life-long expectations have led me to build up an image that I can wear whenever it's needed. On the other hand, it sucks because it would be nice to make a decision without thinking about how it will affect other people.

I mean to say all of this because I had recently reached a point to where I didn't like the character I had become. I began to see my selfishness, pride, greed, angst, negativity. And none of that is holy. God was showing signs that He still needed me here, but I was already at a place where I didn't really care anymore. Even still, I didn't dare verbalize my situation because I didn't want to seem like I was complaining all the time (which I probably do anyways). Dear readers, please pray for me. Having faith doesn't always come naturally to me. My mom has said time and time again that I am a doubting Thomas, a Jonah. I'd like to believe that I have enough faith because that's what brought me here, and that's what will keep sustaining me up until the very last moment of my mission in Thailand. So please, pray that God will renew my heart, because I can't keep serving Him if I keep feeding self instead of surrendering everything down at His feet. I'll close with a thought that will hopefully be a source of inspiration for your walk with God as it is for me.

An Invitation to Abundant Life

Seek the Lord while He may be found,
Call upon Him while He is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way,
And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
Let him return to the Lord,
And He will have mercy on him;
And to our God,
For He will abundantly pardon.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts....

For you shall go out with joy,
And be led out with peace;
The mountains and the hills
Shall break forth into singing before you,
And all the trees of the field shall slap their hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
And it shall be to the Lord for a name,
For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."

~Isaiah 55~

When you run out of words

As I write this blog, I'm trying my best to block out the sounds of Thai karaoke that echoes only two blocks away from the Thai church. Mind you, singing and praising to the Lord is great. All for it. Just not at a level so amplified the whole soi can hear you. Seriously, they can go on for hours...well after the sun has set. So, forgive me for any incoherent rambling as my thoughts are having to compete with loud music.

I love developments, don't you? They add spice to your life so it doesn't stay boring. In all honesty, some developments we love and some we hate, but that's what life needs to move forward--developments. This past week, I was bed-ridden because of the flu. I was out of work for four days and in the bed for three. The last time I had the flu was junior year of high school, but man the coughing, sore throat, fever and aches were all too familiar sensations that my body did not want to welcome back. I've pretty much returned to normal, with the exception of some slight coughing and mucus membranes that want out of my body.

The mission held a farewell/welcome party this past Thursday. There was lots of food and yummy pumpkin pie. Yum yum yum. All the admin was there and everyone who worked for the language school was invited to attend. They welcomed me and gave a tribute to the secretary of the mission who had worked here for 26 years. I say "the secretary" to denote the fact that she was the secretary of the mission president, so I guess the main one. Because there is an executive secretary, a.k.a. the vice president, who also has a secretary of his own.

I was in awe of her service and dedication. She gave a speech. She started getting teary-eyed and everyone took pictures. I didn't know her, but I'm sure her absence will be felt. The moment was a little bittersweet for me because, although I appreciated the mission's efforts to welcome me and I myself appreciated the secretary, I felt like I was in a place where I didn't belong. It's like, yes, I am here and will be here for a while. At the same time though, this is not my home. I don't fit in with this group of people. I felt like an alien, and it's not a great feeling to have. Oh my, the ups and downs of being a missionary. During our AVS orientation, one of our main speakers was talking about the "ouches" you'll experience going back home, things like how you can't quite connect to your friends the same way you used to and just how life in general will move on without you. I'm kind of experiencing that here. Life does indeed go on without you, and sometimes you want it to stop and wait for you to get on. Recently, I've been hit with news and friends and family members who are facing dire health problems, some who have died. That's a big ouch. For your loved ones to go through such pain and you're thousands upon thousands of miles away.

In other recent developments, I had been contemplating whether I should return home after I finish out my contract or if I should stay here another year. There was much internal debate going on, a lot of weighing of pros and cons. But when it got down to the nitty-gritty, I had to listen to the voice of God. And the voice of God was saying He wanted me to go back home. Would you miss me if I stayed another year? ;) I kept thinking to myself, "Why do I have to go back? It would feel like taking a step backwards instead of moving forward." But then, I really had to ask myself, are you wanting to stay here because you're running away from something, or is it because you truly want to do the Lord's work? And if you do want to do the Lord's work, is this where He's wanting you to be? I truly want to serve God, but it turns out that He has more plans for me still in the U.S. of A. Oh, just walk with God. Walk with God. Keep your eyes focused on Him. Remember, the mission field is not a haven. You can't run away from your problems. You have to face them because they will always be there...waiting for you. That's all for this week. Check out the links below. The first one is a blog written by another SM in Thailand. I was really impressed with his first entry. God has truly been using and transforming him. The second link is a vlog created by an SM friend in the Philippines.

Peace to all and much love.

Sawadee ka!


Links:

Aaron's blog

Melissa's vlog

Accepting the call

 A year ago, I found myself at the beginning stages of applying to serve as a student missionary in Thailand for ten months. Fast forward one year, I am no longer in the beginning stages of anything. I feel like I'm past the initial transitioning process and am set on the journey ahead. I am truly in the thick of things; matters of life are appearing to be more complicated and clear black and white lines I once thought were distinct are blurring together. But no fear, dear readers. It is all part of the learning process.

Last week, I attended my official orientation training. Somewhat delayed I know, but nonetheless I left those sessions with much gained. I learned quite a bit from our speakers and I have made a new family in Thailand, our little AVS family. Something I wished I had grasped back home is the fact that we really can't do it alone. We need the support of fellow believers. That mindset, that thinking, has been something I am trying to apply to my daily life. I hope that you can also understand this idea and take it to heart.

I was touched by a blog entry that a fellow sm in Thailand wrote just this week. He's really learned a lot since starting his mission, and it sounds like he also took so much from the orientation meetings. I felt so inspired by his honesty and the way God is using him here in this country that is so in need of God. I guess I share some of the feelings he's expressed, and some of his thoughts really struck a chord with me. He said he wasn't the same person he was before he left. Granted, once you're out on the mission field you do change, but it's something you have to experience; it's not just brain knowledge.

Dear readers, I am changing, and that is a good thing. I don't want to go back to the life I knew before. He is truly changing my heart, and I am so grateful for that. There is another sm I met during orientation and she recently renewed her AVS contract for another year. She truly wants to do the Lord's work, and that's where I want to be--serving the Lord. I've been thinking about my options after finishing this work in Thailand. I'm in a unique position in that I have a degree, so I don't have to go back to school and have more time to serve, if I wanted. Naturally, because of the nature of being an sm, most student missionaries are unable to do that. I'm not sure where I'll be come May 2013. Only God knows. I just need to have faith...and patience. As it says in the Word: "Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And he shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" (Psalm 27:14).

I hope you are well and happy. Many blessings to you all and have a blessed Sabbath. 

How vulnerable are you allowing yourself to be?

Hello all! Thanks for taking the time to read this blog. I know many of you have very busy lives, so I'm grateful for the few minutes or so you take to read these words. I'm writing early because I'll be having a four-day orientation starting Wednesday afternoon. The following three days will be all day, so I won't have the time to blog on Friday. It's actually quite funny, because when I saw the email regarding our orientation schedule I thought, orientation for what? Um yeah, I got here in July and they're just now scheduling orientation for all the SMs and AVS people. Oh well. At least I'll get to see what the other SMs are up to. It'll be nice to catch up with them.

It would be nice to catch up with you guys too. If you're on Skype or FaceTime, message me your contact info and maybe we can schedule a date. ;)

In regards to this week's title, I don't feel like I've truly been opening myself up to God, completely. You would think that missionary prototypes have it all figured out, that they're already spiritual warriors and are in tune with God. At least, that's what I thought of missionaries when I was younger. I always thought that their faith didn't waiver. The truth is, being a missionary just means that you're in that much "higher" of a position. People in your mission field (and more importantly God) expect a whole lot more from you. You can't just go out and do whatever you want. That might sound contradictory to what being a missionary is all about, but you'd be surprised at the number of people who lose sight of their mission and start living comfortably. But for most missionaries, we still struggle. At the end of the day, we don't have it all figured out. I am all too human and have my own weaknesses and vices that I have to surrender to God. There are times when I feel so broken and I can't do anything on my own anymore. But that's what God likes. He doesn't want us to do it on our own. At times when I get too caught up in myself I hear God's still, yet powerful voice saying to me, "Shekaina, it's not about you. So get over yourself." We need to get over ourselves and stop living in our little heads. God can't work miracles in and through us if we're worrying about how a situation is going to affect us. I guess I'm learning that even when the scary/uncertain parts come my way, I have to be willing to fall and let God carry me through.

I was listening to a familiar song this morning, and I was moved. I first heard this song back home through a local radio station and it is that much more meaningful to me because I believe that God uses radio as one of His ministries. I mean, do you not believe that God can reach someone millions of miles away using only a radio? It's amazing. The song's lyrics chronicled a girl's journey with God, how He was always with her despite the tough times. You hear people talk about God's love for us, but it hit me hard and resonated with me in such a way that you can only experience when God is personally calling out to you. We have a God who is desperately in love with us, relentlessly pursuing us. And we don't even deserve it. If you think about Jesus' story it's pretty incredible-- that he took on human flesh and was crucified to save us. Our human minds cannot even fathom what all of that means. It's too great and wonderful. My hope for you is that you won't be afraid to let God in, completely in. I'll probably have a few moments during this week where I forget that, but there's always hope. I'll be praying for you.

Much love,

Shekaina

And life will go on

Sorry folks, no blog for this week. I'll update you when I have some interesting thoughts to share.

People

Tan works at an animation office, creating projects that her company uses for different films. She wears dark eye makeup, but her eyes look tired and her face flushed. She would like to travel, but her dad doesn't like her going off by herself. Her brother is also a student at the language school. He is a doctor and has a successful job, but he feels worthless.

Taan is a video editor. He works hard, spending the entire day sitting in a room editing videos. When he shoots them, sometimes the process takes as long as 7:00 in the morning until 5:00 in the afternoon. He wants to go to America, New York specifically, to study photography, but he has to have his visa approved first. Taan makes a lot of money, averaging 30,000-40,000 baht per video, but most of that money supports his family and a sick aunt. His father and older brother do not work, but he would rather work hard for them rather than face a confrontation.

Andrew is a former prisoner turned Jesus lover turned missionary. He grew up in a loving, supporting environment but never knew God. Before high school, the school bus drivers would suspend him from their routes because they heard about his bad reputation. He stole candy bars from safe houses and stores. At 16, he became the driver of a getaway for a gang that performed a series of home invasions. He met God in prison. He spent two years in solitary confinement as a juvenile and eight more years at another jail. His heart is with God. God blessed him with resources and education. Andrew truly loves God and wants to share Him with others. He says God saved his life and he wants others to be saved by him too.

During my preparation for Thailand, a part of me felt like I was going kicking and screaming; I wouldn't always want to go to Thailand every minute of every day. I didn't understand why God was calling me to this place, and on certain days I still don't quite know why. What I do know is that God is teaching me things I would have never seen or experienced if I stayed home. At times I find myself thinking, "Man, it's going to be so hard to leave this place." I feel moved and blessed by what God is opening my eyes to, and I would like to stay. There is much more traveling and seeing ahead; I still want to work and live in Japan, France, and the Philippines, and visit other countries (and return to Thailand). However, there is a strong voice telling me to return home and finish the work I am called to do.

Maybe God is teaching me to love His people. I mean, we certainly do not always love each other, but maybe we should try? I've had my fair share of conceptions and generalizations of the Thais, but I think that maybe stereotypes and generalizations hinder us from getting to know a person. When I talk to a student or met someone new in the office, my heart kind of melts after hearing about their problems and stressors in life and God always puts me in awe. I cannot really express the gratitude I have to live through these opportunities and be changed by these people. I don't know how much "progress" I've made, but I want to learn much, much more, and I want God as my teacher.